Gold Room and the Three Trains
by Zabbie Q
Summary: A silly retelling of a classic story with a dark twist.


_Starlight Express_ and its universe (c) Andrew Lloyd Webber and Really Useful Group

Gold Room (c) the Union Pacific Railroad. Yes, it really existed. Google it if you don't believe me. ;p

* Proof that people need to be careful with what they say to Zabbie in a chat session. (You know who you are.)

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Once upon a time there was a Poppa Steamer, a Momma Sleeper, and a Baby Caboose, and they all lived in a shed at the edge of the train yard. One day Momma Sleeper heated up some porridge... er, because, even though she wasn't a diner, she, uh, could make tea, so that suggests that she might know how to use a stove, so she might have heated up some porridge, right? So, because it was too hot, they decided to go for a ride to wait for it to cool... um, because blowing on it would have been too complicated. So, Baby Caboose hitched up behind Momma Sleeper, and Momma Sleeper hitched up behind Poppa Steamer, and they went steamin' together down the line, over the trestle, past the Dunkin Donuts and McDonald's, and over to the park - uh, area in the yard where train families go.

While they were gone, a fancy dining car from the Union Pacific came rolling by their shed. Her name was Gold Room, and she was a super exclusive diner with gold pitchers and plates and fancy stuff like that. Anyway, she knocked on the door of the shed and stuck her head in. Naturally, she saw the table with the temporarily abandoned porridge. Now, true to their professions, dining cars live, breathe, and think food, so it was not surprising that Gold Room was naturally curious as to what had been made. She took Poppa Steamer's spoon and sampled a taste - and could immediately tell that this porridge was made by some self-important sleeper who did not believe in using any spices, and what could have been a delicous dinner was simply a bland byproduct of little imagination. Still, maybe that was just this particular occupant's taste, and so to be fair, she tried Momma Sleeper's and Baby Caboose's dishes - and it was just as amateurish.

Well, even though she was **_such_** an exclusive dining car who did not associate with common cooks, Gold Room decided to help her new friend by fixing the little diletante's mess of a meal. So, the dining diva grabbed the imported spices from her own compartment, went to the big pot on the stove, and sprinkled and stirred the meager meal into a deliciously divine dinner fit for a first-class passenger. Once she was done, she promptly chucked the contents of the bowls into the trash and replaced them with her own delicacy.

About this time the train family was heading back home, and she could hear the Poppa Steamer helping Baby Caboose practice his whistling. So, she quickly slipped out the back door, but she stayed by the kitchen window in anticipation to see their response to her savory surprise.

The train family had had a nice time at the playground. Baby Caboose had gotten to go really fast on the turntable, and he and Poppa Steamer had picked some lovely flowers for Momma Sleeper. Then Poppa Steamer had promised to buy Baby Caboose an ice-cream cone after he finished his porridge dinner, so Baby Caboose was really eager to get home. Poppa Steamer teased him by pretending to be too tired to go fast, but he finally picked up speed and helped Baby Caboose with his whistling along the way.

So, finally, they got to the shed and were ready to take their first bite of porridge when Poppa Steamer noticed something - his spoon was dirty. Gold Room had forgotten to clean the spoons after she had sampled the family's meal! And the Poppa Steamer said, "Who's been eating _my_ porridge?" And the Momma Sleeper said, "Who's been eating _my_ porridge?" And the Baby Caboose said, "Who's been eating _my_ porridge?"

Well, Poppa Steamer decided to taste the porridge to see if somebody had poisoned his family's meal - because he always saw TV cops do it in the crime dramas he loved to watch, and they always seemed to be able to tell if something was poisoned from one taste - and immediately he began coughing, sputtering, and clutching his throat. "Oh, no!" Momma Sleeper cried. "Somebody has put gourmet spices in his bowl!"

You see, Poppa Steamer was highly allergic to certain spices, and he had to follow a strict diet - which was why Momma Sleeper's food had seemed so amatuerish to Gold Room and lacking in gourmet quality. Well, unfortunately, Baby Caboose had followed his father's example in sampling the porridge, and it was promptly discovered that he too was allergic to the fancy spices that Gold Room had stirred into his dinner. Momma Sleeper had to call up a switch engine to rush both her husband and her son to the repair shop.

From where she stood by the kitchen window, Gold Room turned her nose up in the air as she saw Poppa Steamer gag, and she rolled daintly away in a huff. Well! If those lower-class vehicles couldn't appreciate her generosity, then she would be more selective in which random stranger's cooking she helped from now on!

As for the family, Momma Sleeper spent the rest of the evening in the waiting room, fearing for her family's lives. Poppa Steamer had to stay in the repair shop for two weeks - which was bad, because he was scheduled to do a run on the day after the porridge incident, and they really needed the money to pay their rent. Well, Poppa Steamer lost his job because of this, and the landlord kicked them out. Momma Sleeper had to support the family by doing double shifts, which put a strain on her marriage, and the couple finally split in a messy divorce and had a brutual custody battle for Baby Caboose, which Momma Sleeper won. Baby Caboose grew up bitter, and he blamed his mother for most of his troubles as he didn't have his father around to teach him how to defend himself against bullies. Baby Caboose looked to highway semi-trucks for father figures and eventually shortened his name to CB and started talking in radio slang. To aid his semi-truck father figures financially, and to get back at his parents for ruining his life, he began to crash freight trains across the country to get rid of the highway's competition and became a harden criminal.

And the moral of the story is "Never leave your house."

The End


End file.
